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  1. How’s My Driving?

    May 31, 2011 by Chode Champion

    I think just once I would like to call the number that you see on the back of those company trucks that ask you to call to talk about how the person driving the truck is doing. Except it wouldn’t be to bitch about their driving, it would be to heap copious amounts of praise onto them. How many people do you think actually do that? I’m betting as many people who nominated C. Thomas Howell for an Oscar.

    Nobody cares about good drivers. In fact, there is no such thing. A good driver is anybody who lets you out when there’s no serious hope of merging. However, should that same person let another person out when you’re behind THEM, then they need to rot in Hell for all eternity.

    Unlike most people who would just as likely shoot you in the face as tolerate you being a “good driver”, I’m ok with the “one person out” rule. That means, if there is merging going on, or you’re driving the car that would block the side street with several cars in front of you stopped at a red light, then you can let one car out without repercussion. Should you decide to be the charity driver of the week though and let more than one person out, then there’s a good chance I might get out of the car and strangle you with your own seatbelt. It depends on how badly I have to take a shit right then and there.

    Of course, there is no bigger douchebag than the over-indulgent Samaritan driver. You know who I’m talking about. That asshole who will slow down to let you cross the road when he’s the only person ON the road. When you actually inhibit my progress by trying to do me a favor, don’t be surprised if your little hand-wave motioning me to cross is met with a sudden impulse for me to urinate all over your vehicle. Hey, after all, one good deed deserves another, and I hear urine is great for shining tires!

    While I was searching for a picture to go along with this post, I happened upon this website that “makes” bumper stickers for you to put on your teenager’s car so that the people behind them can call you to tell you how they’re driving. The website says it is a “great deterrent against speeding” but fails to mention that it also is a great deterrent against your kid getting laid or getting in the car at all. I guess both of those things are pretty beneficial too so I implore that you get one of these if you want celibate sons and daughters who hate your guts, which as we all know, is what a parent is there for in the first place.

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  2. Porn For Pandas

    May 30, 2011 by Chode Champion

    Recently I heard that zookeepers around the world were having trouble getting the pandas to fuck each other. Though I am not a panda, nor do I really care about them in any way, I found this to be very sad. Thankfully, as I learned more about the subject, I realized that there was a simple yet elegant solution to the aching loins of male pandas the world round.

    Porn for pandas

    First and foremost, I’d like to clarify that this is not an idea of mine. Oh no my friends, this actually is already being used. I don’t know who came up with such a brilliant idea, but they deserve the Nobel prize, or whatever prize you give out for bearfucking. It’s probably a small gold statue of Yogi giving it up the ass to Boo Boo.

    That’s right, hardcore video erotica exists for those sex starved oreo cookie bears. It makes perfect sense of course, the adult human porn industry is one of the largest money making businesses in the world. Why wouldn’t it work for endangered bears? Hell, you may even be able to sell it to some humans and make some cash too. Can’t hurt to try.

    The thing is though, how does this panda porn get made? Do they hire big name directors from the XXX arena? Do the bears watch it together? How big are the televisions that are used? Can I find this stuff on Amazon.com?

    No matter what the answers to these questions are, one thing is for certain. This is a huge leap forward for bear promiscuity around the world. And I, for one, am proud.

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  3. You Suck At Walmart

    April 22, 2011 by Chode Champion

    And thus it was decreed by He who is Himself a loyal and courteous Walmart Shopper…

    The 10 Items or Less line does not become the More Than 10 Items line EVEN IF the following conditions are true:

    • You are riding a scooter cart, especially if it is obvious you can walk
    • You have 4 of one item (especially if you’d still have more than 10 items if that rule applied)
    • You want a pack of cigarettes
    • You want to mull over what kind of cigarettes you’d like when they don’t have the kind of cigarettes you like
    • You want to pay part with a gift card and then debate the concept of how gift cards work against your total instead of one item
    • You think that the cashiers know you and want to talk to you
    • You have 10 IQ points or less

    You will also be marked for death if you somehow decide that having more than 10 items means that you can split your purchase of 12 items into two separate transactions. I know that getting that 12 pack of Coors Light and the bag of pork rinds out the door as quickly as possible is on the forefront of everyone’s agenda, but you’ll probably survive in the longer line. I almost would rather you just ignore the limit altogether and pretend you can’t count. Of course, it’s entirely possible that you can’t count. Still won’t get you a pass from me.

    The penalty for these infractions is of course doubled if it takes place in the 20 Items or Less line. And yes, you can be killed twice. Or at least you’ll want us to after we’re done with you.

    Here are a few more helpful hints that will keep people from following you home and throwing shit at your house:

    • Believe it or not, but most of the time you can fit 2 carts side by side in an aisle. So if you must take your time deciding which brand of mayonnaise to get, please do not place your cart perpendicular to the shelves.
    • If you can somehow walk your artery-clogging food-filled cart out to the parking lot, there’s a good chance your fat ass can push it the 20 feet it takes to get it into the cart return, rather than rolling it within 7 inches of my car door.
    • If there is a free parking spot only two spaces away from where someone is loading up their vehicle with groceries, then there is an excellent chance that you will get into Walmart sooner if you take the open spot.
    • If you are wearing a wife-beater and talking on a Bluetooth ear piece, you suck at life. That’s more a disclaimer than a tip really.
    • If you ask a Walmart employee where something is and they don’t know, don’t get on their case. They work at fucking Walmart for Christ’s sake, give them a break.
    • In the future, they will have magical cards you can swipe that take money directly out of your bank account. Oh no wait they’ve had those for decades. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU STILL PAY BY CHECK?!?!
    • Never, EVER, ask for a price check. If the cashier can’t find a barcode to scan on your item, just leave it. It isn’t like you can’t come back later, since it’s guaranteed that there’s a Walmart 5 minutes from your house that is open 24 hours a day.
    • If you have a small child with you that is prone to throwing a fit, then it is mandatory that you go to the in-store McDonald’s FIRST before you start your shopping, so your pudgy little ham hock  can keep it’s pie hole stuffed with preservatives so as to retain the rest of the shoppers’ sanity.

    We welcome any further suggestions for the safety of your fellow man who is just trying to buy milk that is under $18 a gallon.

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