Story
The plot? Who cares! You’re too busy parachuting into a penthouse or wrestling a tiger in a mansion. After a botched bank heist, the Saints go from fame to fugitives, battling the Syndicate (corporate goons), the Luchadores (masked wrestlers), and the Deckers (cyber-terrorist ravers). The writing is a fever dream of one-liners (“I’m gonna kick that cat’s ass!”) and plot twists involving cloned celebrities and a literal zombie apocalypse. The story’s depth? Puddle-sized. The fun factor? Oceanic.
Graphics
A technicolor explosion that aged like a fine meme. Steelport’s skyline glows with neon, explosions paint the sky pink, and character customization lets you rock a unicorn helmet with a business suit. NPCs strut in furry costumes or lingerie, and car crashes send tires bouncing like Superballs. It’s not Red Dead 2 realism—it’s a Saturday morning cartoon on LSD. Textures get muddy up close, but who notices when you’re driving a hoverbike through a burning mall?
Audio
The soundtrack slaps harder than the Penetrator. Metal, dubstep, power pop, and classical music clash gloriously as you rampage. Voice acting? Unapologetically campy. Laura Bailey’s Boss oozes “chaotic neutral energy,” and Hulk Hogan’s cameo as a wrestling announcer is peak 2011. Sound effects? Shotguns thump, cars crunch, and the squelch of a dildo bat is… haunting. Only flaw: hearing “I Need a Hero” for the 50th time during a tank chase.
Gameplay
Pure, uncut chaos. Steal tanks, hijack jets, or just ragdoll pedestrians with a fart spray. The weapon wheel includes a shark launcher and a cannon that shoots pirates. Missions range from escorting a nude celebrity to battling a kaiju on a rooftop. Vehicle handling? Slippery as a buttered otter, but crashing into a billboard of your own face is worth it. The “Professor Genki” game show missions? A Japanese Squid Game parody where you murder mascots for cash. Perfection.
5. Multiplayer
Co-op is where the magic implodes. Team up with a buddy to dual-wield rocket launchers, drive tandem tanks, or just throw each other into traffic. Shared chaos creates moments no scripted game can match—like synchronized base jumps into a hostile skyscraper. No PvP? Fine. Who needs competition when you’re competing to see who can rack up the most insurance fraud dollars?
Dumb Things About the Game
- The Penetrator: A melee weapon that’s 50% Freud, 50% WTF.
- Zombie Voice DLC: Because nothing says “immersion” like your Boss sounding undead.
- Insurance Fraud: Hurling yourself into traffic for cash. OSHA’s worst nightmare.
- Tiger Escort Missions: “Hey, protect this murderous kitten!”
- The “Deckers”: Cyberpunk villains who look like they raided Hot Topic’s clearance bin.
AUTHOR INFORMATION
A rejected Fast & Furious script meets Looney Tunes. The Syndicate? Forgettable. The mission where you fight tigers in a mansion? Unforgettable.
Steelport’s neon vomit is dated but iconic. Character models? Glorious monstrosities. Explosions? Fireworks designed by a sugar-crazed toddler.
The soundtrack is a time capsule of 2011’s best/worst.
A sandbox where logic goes to die. Want to skydive into a wrestling ring wearing a shark costume? Saints Row says “Why not?”
Co-op turns mayhem into art. No PvP? Who needs it when you can “accidentally” run over your co-op partner… repeatedly.
PROS / CONS
- Customization so deep you can be a clown ninja with a British accent.
- Co-op chaos that turns friendship into felony.
- Missions so absurd they’d give Freud a migraine.
- A soundtrack that slaps harder than the FBI’s Most Wanted list.
- The sheer joy of yelling “I’M IN A TANK, SUCKERS!”
- The existential dread of unironically enjoying dubstep.
- Glitches: Sometimes your helicopter just… ascends to heaven.
- Story’s emotional depth: Puddle. In the desert.
- Repetitive side activities (how many streakers must I chase?!).
- Vehicle physics: Cars handle like shopping carts on ice.
